Speak for Good: I Made Me Mad

It is possible to speak perfect English without using English well.  You can be a fluent speaker without being a good speaker or, more specifically, without being a speaker for good. 

 Here’s an example of what I mean.  External stimuli do not make you feel any particular way.  They cannot.  How you feel is a function of the meaning you assign to events.  Saying something like, ‘you made me mad’ is damaging in three clear ways.  First, it damages the relationship you have with the person to whom you say it.  This damage is the result of you misconstruing reality, especially how power functions and where it resides in your relationship.  Second, it damages you by establishing or reinforcing a victim narrative.  Third, it damages English as a socially-constructed tool by reinforcing a maladaptive, mistaken means of communication.  Let’s look a bit more at each of these.

 First, assigning fault to someone else for your own emotions constitutes an attempt to punish that person.  It is a peculiar form of punishment—the locating of power in a person who has no real access to it.  And, while punishment can weaken behaviors, it is very poor at installing preferred ones. 

 One result of this particular kind of  language pattern over time is the other person feeling as though they exist surrounded by invisible trip wires.  Even behaving with great care and seeking to employ the power they supposedly wield in support of well-being, they will be in danger of triggering a negative state in the other person.  When your best intentions are repeatedly associated with bad results, you are likely to give up trying or to remove yourself from that context.  Punishing others for the meanings you assign, then, contributes to them developing a mindset of learned helplessness, and/or to their resenting you with all of the associated complications.

 As for the second way in which 'you made me mad' causes damage, it does so by reinforcing a victim mindset in yourself.   You may feel that, by verbally ceding control of your emotional responses, your are able to avoid some responsibility and, thereby, to enjoy some increased freedom.  But, entirely the opposite is true.  By giving up this psychological ground, you have shifted the boundaries of your self closer and narrowed your own existence.  You cannot be free by choosing to be small.  Thoughts become words becomes actions become habits become character becomes destiny.  Don't allow your reflexive language patterns to shrink who you will become. 

 And, the third reason, you're hurting everyone by shaping our shared language into less effective tool.  Languages are constantly evolving based on two considerations: the environment in which they function and the bottom-up input that informs them.  Using a word, phrase, or grammatical pattern helps to reinforce it in the minds of those receiving it which, in turn, increases the likelihood that they will further use and reinforce it.  Anytime you communicate using language, you are a contributing to the evolution of a shared tool.  Endeavor to communicate accordingly.

 Among the many benefits of more closely reflecting reality in your verbal representations is the positive example you set.  Saying 'I felt annoyed' or 'I got mad when you did that thing' are closer, but still not the closest formulations.  'I annoyed me' or 'I made myself mad' would be the preferred choices if accuracy were your only metric.  Of course, these sound strange.  Just try to leave the door open to them so that instead of threatening the other person into behavior change, you can request their help in making it easier for you to change. 

 Consistently taking responsibility is the best way to inspire a similar response in others.  If you are regularly accused of causing the bad moods of others, do not try to convince them that you did the right thing.  This will only led to them feeling like you are casting them as being in the wrong. Do not try to explain that you do not have the power to cause their emotional states.  This will likely come across as you evading responsibility while portraying the other person as out of control.  The only way out is through.  Apologize for your contribution to the problem.  Then go on thinking and speaking in a manner that places you at the helm of your own responses. 

 This may feel like an unfair division of labor.  Why do you have to accept responsibility for both party's emotional states?  But, consider that carrying more of the load is only unfair in that, over time, your burden will make you stronger than the other person.  Welcome the opportunity to take the larger portion of the strain and you will grow as a result, just as a fire makes anything its fuel.

 Though it will take time, your example will influence the other person.  The effects of this will rarely be pronounced enough for either of you to notice, but with consistency in your own behavior they will also be inevitable.

 If you want to speak better English, speak so that it makes your worldview, the people with whom you speak, and English itself better.  Say ‘I annoyed me.  I upset me.  I made me mad.', because these are the true and right ways to speak.